


Even If I Grab the Sheets and Shout

by QueenVeralidaineBookdragon



Category: EXO (Band), Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Baekhyun is THE hug, Bang Chan-centric, Canon Compliant, Depression, Dissociation, Hot Chocolate, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Insomniac Bang Chan, Non AU, Other, Overworking, Prive name drop, Stress, Suicidal Thoughts, Tea and Hugs TM, bang chan is a good leader, chan needs hugs, hope you enjoy!, mentions of current events (though vaguely), not as dark as it sounds, rated for dark thoughts, someone give this boy some tea, talk about members leaving, vague mentions of a certain ex-member
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:23:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21994183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenVeralidaineBookdragon/pseuds/QueenVeralidaineBookdragon
Summary: Chan is overworked, overstressed, and underslept. With him now as the only 'parent' of Stray Kids, he's stressed without a hyung to turn to. But maybe a chance encounter could give him the outlet he's needed to rant about his issues, and maybe, just maybe, help him stay connected with those he loves.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Stray kids, Byun Baekhyun & Bang Chan
Comments: 38
Kudos: 324





	Even If I Grab the Sheets and Shout

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I hope you enjoy this! Title is from Insomnia by Stray Kids.
> 
> I have no idea how the SKZ members are feeling or doing after everything, and I hope they're doing better than this. This is just me projecting while exercising my creative license and support for these young men who've worked so hard for their dreams.
> 
> (UPDATED: due to things recently coming to light, I have removed a certain ex-member's role in this fic. He is still mentioned -- not by name -- but due to the news, he no longer plays a positive part in this fic. If anyone feels that this fic should be completely changed or taken down however, please let me know)

Soft blue light illuminated the room, it’s glow being the only thing to betray the form of the young man at the desk. His back was tense, knotted from hours behind a computer screen and ages of stress. The clock blinked as the numbers changed: 4:17 in the morning.

Chan pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes. _ I can finish this. I have to. _

He hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep in over 48 hours, not that he would be even if he tried. Even before that, he hadn’t been getting more than three hours a night. Sleep evaded him, as slippery as a fish and evasive. It was as if it were sand in an hourglass. _ Hmm. I could use that as a lyric _ . He scrawled it down into his notebook, handwriting a mess of English and Hangul. His work was distracted, the colors and lights of the computer swimming before his eyes. Hours ago he’d changed the text to English, hoping that it’d relieve the strain. It hadn’t and he’d switched it back. Then switched it again. And again. Flip. flip. Flip. Switch. The track was _ good _. He knew that. 

But it wasn’t enough. The melody swirled perfectly but it wasn’t perfect because he knew the voice that he wanted there and due to it's owner's actions it wasn’t going to be there. And the chords just didn’t sound right together, grating on his already fried nerves. JYP wanted it sent in by tom--by today. The 22 year old bit the inside of his cheek as he kept working. Fingers shaking, he ran the track again, looping a synth and running it underneath the synthesized melody he was working with. 

“FUCK!” he threw his notebook against the wall, standing up and spinning around, slamming his headphones onto the desk. “FUCK FUCK FUCK!” 

Chan pressed his hands over his ears, cursing himself out as he resisted the urge to cry. It was just too much. A comeback was fast upon them, but they’d just had one and too much was going on and the kids were having a hard enough time keeping it together as it was. _ I can’t lose my shit over this. They’re depending on me. I can’t let them down. He made his own choices, and they hurt more than just us. Nothing we could do about it. And Sungie’s anxiety is worse than it’s been in ages and Felix has lost too much weight and they’re all falling apart and I can’t. I can’t. I’m _ ** _fine_ ** _ . _

He wasn’t fine. And he knew that. 

Running a hand through his hair, he saved the track five times over, hoping to anything that it’d sound better in a couple hours. Chan blinked slowly, taking in the state of the room before deciding to leave everything in. He’d be back soon enough anyway. 

Carefully locking up the studio, he navigated the halls and stepped out of the building into the cold winter air.

“Just going to take a walk!” he explained to the security guard behind the front counter. His workaholic tendencies were well-known by the company, so nobody really questioned the leader of Stray Kids when he was up and about at odd hours. Even when said leader had dark purple blooming under his eyes, hoodie two sizes too large hiding his muscled yet too thin body, hands shaking. Mental health wasn’t exactly taboo anymore --It couldn’t be, not after everything that’d happened recently. He knew it still was in some companies, he was lucky that they were in JYP, that Jisung was excused if he was feeling too anxious-- but it was still ignored. People see what they want to see, and nobody wanted to see that the ever-loving, caring, kind-hearted, australian young man with a smile that could light up the world in such a dark place. 

Mask in place and hood pulled low over his face, he made sure that he’d be unrecognizable. Chan loved STAY, but he really wasn’t in the mood to run into a sasaeng fan. (he never was, but that didn’t mean it didn’t happen.) cold air whipping around him, he stuck his hands in his pockets. The chill felt good; it was painful, numbing, perfect.

Before he knew it, he found himself near the Pledis building. That in itself shocked the young man. He hadn’t realized how far he’d walked. As he crossed the river -- a landmark and honestly the only reason he’s realized where he was -- he leaned against the railing, letting out a sigh as he surveyed the water below. _ It’s.. beautiful…. _ He stepped around it, sitting down and holding on tight, watching how his legs dangled above the water. A sudden thought crossed his mind and a tear escaped the corner of his eyes. It would be so easy. Nobody would even notice.

“Hello?”

Chan looked up and behind him, almost giving himself whiplash. Another young man was standing on the other side of the railing. His outfit -- specifically the dark face mask and hat -- gave him away as an idol, but he couldn’t tell whom. “Hi..”

The man pulled his own mask down. “Hey. do you think you could tell me your name?” His voice was soft, not demanding, with just enough gentle pressure to make him respond.

“..Chris.”

“Hi Chris. Do you think you can get up right now?”

He shook his head. He really couldn’t. Every limb felt heavy, as if he released a single muscle from it’s position he’d become a puddle of anxiety and depression.

“Alright.” The man knelt next to him. “Can I touch you.” a nod. Yes. “Thank you Chris. You’re doing an amazing job.” he gently pried Chan’s fingers from the ice cold rail, tsking softly. A transfer of weight, and a second later the 22 year old found himself on the safer side of the rail. “There we go.”

“Thank you… I..” Chan ran a shaking hand through his hair, fully ready to play it off. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“Nope. No doing that. You do know, and I do too. It hurts, there’s no denying that. But this has claimed far too many people I know, almost claimed even more of us, and I’d rather not wake up to the news of another person dead.”

Chan raised his head in surprise. “You..?”

“Plenty.” he chuckled bitterly. “Some days are worse than others.”

“I… I’m sorry. It’s just been a really long couple of months.”

“Chris.” He felt his chin be raised up to meet the other’s eyes. “How long has it been since you last slept?”

A shuddering sob burst through his body. “Too long.”

Sigh. “Of course. I’m Baekhyun. It’s good to meet you, Chris-ah.”

Shock filled Chan as he looked at the man in front of him. “EXO Baekhyun?? Ah I’m so sorry Baekhyun-ssi!” He tried to scramble to his feet, but the older man wouldn’t let him.

“Don’t try to stand yet. Yes, that’s me.”

“My uh, my stage name is Chan. Bang Chan. I’m the leader of Stray Kids?”

The other idol smiled gently. “I know. I’m glad I found you. Do you want me to take you back to the JYP building or your dorms? Your members probably aren’t up yet. It’s only 5:30.”

“Only 5:30??!! What the?? It was 4:20 when I left…”

“Oh shit. We need to get you somewhere warm before you get hypothermia or something. If you’re this stressed and depressed already, you almost certainly can’t handle getting sick on top of it all.”

Chan nodded. “Please.. Take me somewhere else? I don’t really want to be in a company building right now.”

“Of course. Is my apartment okay? Jonginnie is with Taeminnie, Yeol is at his studio, and the others are busy so nobody is over right now.”

“Yeah. thank you so much Baekhyun-sunbaenim.”

“Call me hyung, Chris.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to be disrespectful.”

“I’m sure.” And with that, he managed to somehow pick up the larger idol and bring him over to his car -- it was parked on the side of the road before the bridge.

Chan settled into the passenger seat, legs folded up. “Hyung, why were you out here?”

“Similar reason I guess.” The singer took off his hat, revealing his silver hair. “Needed a break. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really…”

“Is there anything you need?”

A nod.

“What is it?”

“i think you can guess...”

“Oh…” the soft exhalation was like a punch to Chan’s chest and tears started falling down his face without abandon. 

"I, I'm sorry...I shouldn't be breaking down like this..."

Baekhyun changed lanes smoothly, “it’s going to happen sooner or later, trust me.”

“How did you guys do it? We’re falling apart, he did things which HURT and can't ever be excused, he..... but even so he left a hole.. and you guys lost _ three _.” his fingertips lazily traced english words onto the window.

He parked and guided Chan into the apartment, sitting him down on the sofa as he put away his keys and took off his shoes. “We didn’t really. It was hardest when Yifan left, because we didn’t know. He didn’t tell us. With Luhan, it hurt, but we all stayed in touch in secret. When Tao left, we’d seen it coming. He kept getting hurt and we knew his dad was unhappy.” A shaky laugh escaped. “I’m so proud of them. Yixing was hit so hard. We all call him and see him whenever we can. That fear, the fear of him leaving is there, far more prominent than it should be this many years later. We didn’t survive easily. We turned to each other and never let go. It hurts..less.. because Tao makes references to us and he and Luhan stay in touch. Junmyeon-hyung’s experience was most like yours, because he went from wrangling us with Kris to wrangling us without him. And none of them did anything inexcusable. It's a different situation. Don't compare... for your own sanity. We survived by changing who takes care of whom. Junmyeon-hyung takes care of all of our mental health, we take care of each other, and we make sure he takes care of himself while forcefully taking care of him.”

“But I can’t ask that of them.. They’re just kids. They don’t need to worry about me on top of everything else.”

“Bullshit. You’re just a kid too. And they’re going to worry anyway. Even if you hide it perfectly. What happened is awful, and I know you were close. That's how groups work."

"Exactly. we were close. And so I feel even more awful about this because I had _no idea_. I was his leader but I had _no idea_."

"You had no idea. But how could you? You're not responsible for teaching him respect, or responsible for his actions. He's your hyung, and he should've known better. He made a choice and it hurt everyone around him. But... you can't shut your members out. You need them right now, and they need you. You're hurting, and, trust me. It’s worse if it gets worse. Jonginnie, Yeollie, and I have given Junmyeon far too many almost heart attacks for someone as young as we all are. Hot cocoa? I’ll spike it for you.” He winked.

“Yes please…”

“Also, before I forget, thank you for reacting to us. It was really nice.”

He blushed a little. “You guys are really good.. You really went off.”

Now it was Baekhyun’s turn to blush a little. “Don’t make me blush, that’s my members’ job.” He joked lightly as he fixed up the cocoa. The stovetop made a little click as it started up. Chan let his eyes fixate on the chocolate as the other man measured it. The stirring was soothing, and he let himself get a bit lost in the sound of the slightly boiling mixture.

“Here you go.” The older man’s voice startled him back into awareness. In front of him on the table sat a mug of cocoa, frothed milk topping it. “I didn’t add any alcohol, so let me know if you want any.”

Chan picked up the mug, letting it’s warmth permeate his icy fingers.

“You were dissociating a little.”

“Ugh, seriously? That barely ever happens.”

“Sounds to me like you need a break, and you need sleep.”

He lifted his eyes up to meet his. “That’s the problem. I can’t sleep.” He sung the last bit a little. “I have pills, but I take them too much, they don’t work anyway, and my doctor has warned me not to take them too frequently. I haven’t gotten any sleep in over 48 hours and even before that I wasn’t getting much. I’m stressing over everything because of the kids, and everything with _him_ that fucking hurts and to think that I--.... and we're about to have a comeback.” He winced, realizing the irony of the complaint. “Ah, sorry… I know that SM…”

“Doesn’t promote us anymore? No need to sugarcoat it. We know. We’re really done.”

“Yeah. That.”

“Ohkay. Chris, I’m going to make you a tea blend -- this is all Minseok’s fault by the way, he wants to be a barista and I’ve learned through osmosis I swear -- and I want you to heat it up and drink it before you try to sleep. Let me know if it helps okay?”

The 22 year old nodded, taking another sip of his drink. “This is really good by the way..” He wiped at his face; it was wet and sticky from tears.

“I’m glad you like it. Drink up and let me know if you’d like a hug. I have it on good authority that I give good hugs.”

“Yeah. I bet.” _ I’ve seen the videos of him comforting his members. I’d never imagined that he’d comfort me though. EXO… I wonder if we’ll ever reach that type of fame.. _

Baekhyun puttered around in his kitchen, filling up a thermos with boiling water and making the tea.

“Alright. This is all decaffeinated, so don’t even think about having caffeine with it. It’s green tea with chamomile, cayenne, honey, ginger, lavender, and chai spices. It sounds odd, but it should help.”

Chan was stunned. “I honestly don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything at all. You don’t need to. Just take it.”

“I…” He stared at his hands and the crescent marks on his palms from where he’d dug his nails in in frustration. “I think I could use that hug. I can’t always stand touch when I’m like this but… I think.”

“You need to cry on someone's shoulder? Yeah I get that. Come here.”

The older singer took the mug from his hands and set it down carefully before wrapping his arms around the 22 year old. (who promptly burst into tears)

“Hey, shhh… there you go, let it all out. It’s alright…” Baekhyun hugged him, rubbing his back gently as he sobbed, shaking.

Chan didn’t know how long he stood there, crying into the idol’s shoulder, but when he finally looked up, he was greeted by a soft smile and a ruffling of his hair. 

“There you are. Feel better?” he nodded. “Ready to go out and face the world?”

“I dunno. Probably not. Definitely not the internet.”

“Understandable. How about this. I put my number in your phone, you text me when you feel like this again, and I drop you off.”

Chan smiled a little. “That sounds good, yeah. Thank you so much.” He opened up his phone to contacts. Baekhyun took it and added his contact, texting a quick ‘hey’ to start the conversation, and discreetly opened up another contact on the phone.

“There! Do you need a picture?”

“Uh.. could I maybe have a selfie with both of us? I know that’s kind of stupid since we’re both idols, and if you don’t want to we really don’t have to.”

“Chris, with all due respect, shut up. Of course I’ll take a selfie with you.” He opened up the camera app on Chan’s phone, slung an arm around his shoulder and got ready to take the photo. “Do you want to show your face?”

He shook his head. “No, I’m all puffy.”

“Got it. Just lean on me, your hoodie will cover your face.”

Chan did so, and the elder man snapped the photo. “There. Now you have your own personalized EXO Baekhyun contact photo!”

He giggled. “Thank you. I feel special~”

“Ah~ promoting your JYP sisters, eh?”

“Shut up hyung.”

“Never~”

The two smiled at each other, feeling that this was the start of a strong friendship. 

Chan ran a hand through his hair. “Honestly, I don’t know how to thank you enough.”

Baekhyun shook his head a smidge, hair glinting in the air as if he were ethereal. “Talk to your members, or me, or him, or someone. Don’t let yourself be another news notification spreading across the internet like wildfire. Keep yourself alive and that's all the thanks I need.”

Chan felt his heart clench. Here was this man, this famous idol, practically a stranger, and he cared. Cared that he was here, making music, _ living. _ “I..”

“Shh. Now let's get you back to your dorm.”

He gasped. “My stuff! It’s all at the studio!”

“It’s alright. Wear my jacket okay? You can grab your stuff when you get to work.”

The younger nodded, letting Baekhyun drape a Prive coat over his shoulders. “I feel like this might get Dispatch on you.”

“Don’t worry about it. Honestly I couldn’t give a fuck about Dispatch anymore. They near destroyed Taeyeon, Jonginnie, and I mentally. If anything pops up, Lee Soo Man doesn’t have the guts to fire me, besides, nothing's going on so all we need to say is the truth.”

“Alright… Thank you so much. Again.”

“Chris. Don’t worry about it.”

Baekhyun bundled him out of the apartment and into the car, driving him back towards the dorms. City Lights flashed around them as they whizzed by. Chan clutched the thermos of tea, eyes pricking. _ Breathe. Breathe. It’s going to be okay. _

By the time they reached the dorms, he felt much less frayed -- he knew that’d change as soon as he got back into the adrenaline of trying to prep an album for a comeback in three months -- and he wasn’t shaking anymore -- a fact that both he and Baekhyun counted as a win.

“Alright Chris-ah. If you don’t have practice right away, get some rest. And if you do, go easy on yourself. Panic attacks can throw you off for hours emotionally. Let yourself rely on the others a little.”

He nodded, bowing slightly as he got out of the car. “Thank you so much.”

“It's no problem. Breathe. Rest.”

He bowed a little again, smiling a tad. “Have a good day hyung.”

_____________________________________________________

As Chan walked away, Baekhyun smiled down at the text notification on his phone.

이민호: _Minho_

** _What does he need?_ **

He grinned. Even if the younger man had denied it, it was obvious what -- or who -- he really needed.

백현_ Baekhyun _:

** _He needs you. All seven._**

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed!!


End file.
